It’s been 10 months. In the last 10 months, I’ve let things slip.
Between graduating from graduate school, my first full time job, and the start and end of my first relationship, life has hit me in so many different ways. I realized that in the past year or so, even though graduate school has ended, I’ve continued to let myself get stuck in a vicious cycle of self-involvement. The irony is that I was self-involved with things that were external to me. The things that I intentionally chose to make my priority have negatively affected my life. I haven’t maintained many of my friendships, and it wasn’t about fitting in fitness anymore.
San Diego looked very different to me today. I thought about how my best friend was longer in the city. How many of my major emotional supports over the years are hundreds if not thousands of miles away from me. How I don’t feel 100% settled in my new place (I’m still in boxes, I admit it). How I’m no longer able to walk across my building, and just find someone to go eat with. And yet… I’ve started the process of buying my first place. I looked at San Diego very differently today.
Nancy Scholssberg talks about Transition theory — and the different types of events that occur to create moments of transition. Today was a day where I thought a lot about unanticipated transitions, things like the loss of a dead one, or an earthquake. It was a moment where I thought deeply about how no matter how shitty it feels in the moment to deal with an unanticipated transition, this transition is just that: unanticipated. It is not by my own doing, it is life, ebbing and flowing in it’s own unique way.
I look at my support, however, and realize that I am not alone. But it is up to me to refocus on my personal life, and really rethink what matters the most to me. Trying to reach out to the people around me and redeveloping those friendships and relationships that have become more distanced while I was self-involved. To my friends, I’m sorry.
And while I’ve allowed myself spent a fair amount of time being upset: sitting in my room and finishing the last season of How I Met Your Mother for what feels like the 83rd time, I realized that I need to focus attention back to myself, make it a priority, and hopefully keep it a priority.
For the time being, I’m proud of myself for refocusing some of my energy. I’m allowing myself to enjoy the little victories. Today’s little victory was writing again, working out again, and eating well but deliciously. (a poki-bowl, and steak in case you’re wondering).
Parts of me are 100% still processing: trying to make sense of things. I realize this will take time, but I feel more at peace with it. The next few days are going to be rough.
I realize fitting in fitness now looks different with a full time job that requires me to maintain a somewhat flexible work schedule. I’m no longer 8-4:30. Student Affairs peeps I’m sure you can all relate. But more on how I plan to tackle that beast another day.