Why I’m Spending Christmas Alone…

It’s been over 3 months since I’ve last posted on here. A lot has happened in my life, but only a little bit has happened in the gym.

In the past 3 months, I’ve started a new job. My first full-time job. I’m now advising the student government at UCSD. I’m also still in graduate school. Yes, that’s still a thing. I rekindled my college obsession with Kombucha, and I’m finally in the process of brewing my first batch. Things have been all over the place and I’m ashamed but finally realizing that I’ve let things go. Way more than any human should have.

The past week I’ve been back in the gym in full force – meaning a consistent training schedule and following a meal plan. The few weeks before that I’ve started working out more consistently. This all came nearly two and a half months after I stopped upon returning from DC.

While it’d be easy for me to blame this on work, or school, or life, I realize that I had no one to blame but myself. You see, I was having one of my deep thinking moments on the elliptical today. This is when all my good thoughts happen. And in this good thinking, I realized how for the past three months, I haven’t committed to myself.

In fact, for the past three months, I’ve been so consumed with putting up with everything else going on in my life, that I haven’t had any time for myself.  Whether it be a hectic work week, ridiculous class projects, or my sad excuse for a personal life, I’ve spent the past few months allowing myself to get so caught up with everything going on in my life that I never had time for me.

I’ve spent too much time worrying about my career, stressing out over other people’s  incompetence or being stuck in situations making decisions that I know I should never need to make because I am worth more than that.

In thinking about this, I realized that I need time alone. I need time for myself. I need time for me.

The first step in my plan for doing this has already been started: focusing on my fitness and making it a priority in my life. I’m allowing myself to be selfish and care for myself instead of spending all of my time being so obsessed in nonissues.

The next? When I thought about it, it came naturally. I grew up in an untraditional manner without a real set of parents or a traditional sense of family. Attempting to conform to Christmas traditions when I’m not even religious in the first place? Seems relatively pointless. It doesn’t help that I quite frankly have little to no interest in seeing people that I don’t really want to be around. And for the people that I do want to be around, well things are too inaccessible. It’s not that I hate the people in my life (not all of them at least), it’s just that I need time for myself. And apparently I just needed some time to get to that conclusion.3 months of time.

I’ve had to mentally prepare myself for the “so what did you do over the holidays” when I get asked by colleagues, cohort-mates, or even friends / “family”.  Of course, because this happened on the elliptical, I’ve already thought things through. I’m planning on a prime rib dinner for 1 with a deliciously baked sweet potato. I’m going to finish my dinner and watch a movie. All by myself. And before that? Well, Christmas is on a Friday, and that means it’s chest day for me. So really… does it get much better than that?

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